Change The Story That’s Keeping You Stuck: Five common self-limiting beliefs and how to rewrite them to transform your life
Stuck in the “Work Hard and Achieve” belief
As a senior in college, I was poised to take on the world with grand plans in my pocket. After four years of competing as a Division I college athlete and maintaining an almost perfect GPA, I set my sights on graduate school for the exciting field of genetic counseling. The mantra I lived by was: Work hard and you will achieve it.
When decision day came for the graduate programs, I was devastated to find out I did not achieve it. I was denied by all 10 schools to which I had applied.
My carefully laid plans of what my life would look like went up in smoke. I couldn't wrap my head around how this had happened, why my belief system had fallen apart and failed me.
Starting that day, I began to recognize this Work Hard motto of mine wasn't doing me any favors. It was all about the outcome and completely devalued the process. Worse, it fed into the “I’m not good enough” belief that was deeply embedded in me.
A dear friend, who stood by as one rejection call after another came in that fateful day, had been trying to teach me a new one: If you look in the mirror at the end of the day and know in your heart that you tried your best, this is all you can ask of and expect from yourself.
It’s been almost two decades since I first started to reexamine this belief system. I’m proud to say that I am now confident in my belief that what matters most is the journey because we have so little control over the outcome.
It takes concerted effort and intention to rewrite the beliefs that were rooted in us as children. It’s worth the effort because the rewards - finding purpose, being present, feeling free - are tremendous.
Change self-limiting beliefs and change your outlook on life
Most of the women I work with hold on to at least a few of these common beliefs. These thoughts keep women playing small rather than stepping into their power and going after what they want. Taking small steps to change them can have a dramatic effect on your life.
Belief 1: I don’t have any time to focus on me.
This is perhaps the queen of all the self-limiting beliefs. Often the reason we don’t have any time for ourselves is because we put ourselves as the lowest priority. We are last on our to do list.
Hoping that time will magically open up for us is not a strategy. We have to actually carve out time in our busyness to focus on ourselves.
The good news is that we can start small. Every person has three minutes in their day to listen to a guided meditation or take a couple of deep breaths. If three minutes feels impossible, start tracking your time - where does it go? Put the Insight Timer app on your phone in the place where Instagram usually goes. Bring a notebook and a pen to your daughter’s basketball practice. Try finding little pockets of time to build your new habit.
Next time you think “I don’t have enough time” gently change it to, “I am working towards finding time to prioritize myself.”
Belief 2. I don’t know where to start.
When we feel stuck, it’s often because we don’t know where to start. The biggest take home here is to just start. Start anywhere, try anything.
You are not commiting to taking a 5pm walk every day of your life. You try it and see how it goes. The yoga class failed miserably? No problem. You have the capacity to experiment and change.
Ask yourself what feels good. If someone gave you 30 minutes, what would you do with it? Lie down and take a nap? There’s your answer.
Next time you think, “I’m stuck, I just don’t know where to start” try to replace it with, “It’s all an experiment; the important thing is to try something.”
Belief 3. It feels selfish to take time to work on myself.
Here’s a hard truth: taking time for yourself might take away time from someone you love. You might disappoint people if you say no to something that you typically have said yes to in the past.
But the problem with always putting others’ needs first is that we live our lives in reaction mode and out of alignment with who we really are. That doesn’t feel good. In fact, it can literally make us sick, both physically and emotionally.
We have all heard about putting our own oxygen mask on first or filling our cup before we serve others. I want you to really, truly consider how your life might look different if you took time to replenish yourself. Would you have more energy to ride scooters with your kids? Would you take the lead on a big project at work? Maybe you’d finally start the podcast or the book or the painting class.
When we feel good, we emanate that feeling of goodness. When we feel depleted, we simply can’t serve from our highest selves.
Next time you think, “It’s selfish to take time to work on myself”, remind yourself that, “I serve best when my cup is full.”
Belief 4. I feel like a victim of the negative experiences in my life.
We all have events from the past that seem to haunt us and hold us back. Some of us (raising my hand here) hold on to our suffering like a security blanket.
This tendency is in part due to the negativity bias, where our brains tend to focus more on the negative things that happen and less on positive things. We tend to gather evidence to support the negative so that it overrides the positive.
Say for example, you gave an excellent presentation at work, but your co-worker said something off-putting to you later in the day. You may feel like you had a terrible day because your brain is focused on what did not go well.
This tendency likely came from the evolution of the human species. Negative events (tiger in the bushes that could eat you) were a matter of life and death.
I like to investigate this belief through writing, but we can also use self-talk to lead the way out of the negativity bias.
Next time you think, “Bad things always happen to me” try to gently guide your mind to, “I’ve been through tough times and I’m a more resilient person because of it.”
Belief 5. I’m not good enough.
“I’m not good enough” is an insidious thought that can weasel its way into our subconscious even long after we’ve embarked on the road of personal development. Especially for us Achievers, “I’m not good enough” is a common refrain, which tends to push us to more do-ing rather than simply be-ing.
Sometimes it takes another person, a friend, sponsor or therapist, to point out the ways that we doubt ourselves and our worth. Finding a support person, someone with whom you can express your truth and be accepted without feeling the need to prove yourself, is important for rewriting this one.
Next time you think, “I’m not good enough”, try placing your hand over your heart and reminding yourself, “I am worthy simply by existing. I don’t need to prove my worth.”
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