My Word Of The Year Gave Me Everything I Didn't Want…And More
At the end of 2019 I was contemplating my word of the year. You know, that thing we do now instead of making an actual resolution? I was reading “Super Attractor” by Gabrielle Bernstein and I was taken with her idea that if I aligned myself properly with the universe, I could attract whatever I wanted into my life. I had started several of the practices she outlines in the book, specifically the one where you write in your journal each day, “I desire to…” and complete the thought. Then I would meditate for five minutes.
I was feeling really good about the new practice and enjoying the book; so much so that each time I pondered my word of the year, I came up with “attract”. I tried to convince myself that the only reason this particular word kept coming up was because I was reading a book with the word in the title, but finally, I let it be. My word for 2020 would be “attract”.
I kept up the practice of writing down my desire each day, which was specific to working with self-aware women to help them heal from their personal stories of struggle. January started well, kicking off the new year skiing in the West Virginia mountains with my family. I had a successful first workshop of 2020.
Then my attractor ability went off the rails.
The night after the workshop, my phone rang at 1am. The phone ringing at 1am is a universal sign for “something bad has happened”. Sure enough, my mom, who has a rare, progressive neurodegenerative condition, had been rushed to the hospital.
Ok, a blip in the road, life happens. Especially as a caregiver for a loved one with dementia.
Then, just five days later, another emergency phone call in the wee hours of the night. My mom had been rushed back to the hospital. This time, things were more complicated. After 13 hours in the ER, where I was forced to DIY things in a way I hope to never again, we were finally admitted to a room.
Now, I was dealing with a hospitalization and a need for a plan for what would happen when she was released and how in the world was I going to figure all of this out on top of everything else.
My mom’s needs were so incredibly massive, they trumped everything else in my life for those several weeks in January; husband, kids, work, my business. We even needed to come up with an alternate plan to celebrate my nine year old’s birthday.
This was not what I desired. This was not what I was attempting to attract. This was in fact, the opposite of what I wanted to attract. I wanted things with my mom to finally take a back burner after having been center stage for way too long. I wanted her care to be coordinated by the facility we were paying gobs of money to, instead of by me. I wanted my resources, especially my time and energy, to be within my control, instead of eaten up by dementia.
The hospital stay was short, but my sister and I were terrified to bring her back to the facility in which she lived. The evening we brought her home was one of the coldest nights of the whole winter. Her nurse and medical assistant helped my sister wheel mom out as I pulled up the car. It took all four of us to get her into the passenger seat.
We drove over to the eldercare facility and pulled up to the front. No one came out to help. No one opened a door for us. No one came into her room to greet her. No one came to see how she was recovering.
I was so distraught and out of sorts (and dismayed by the lack of assistance and care) that I left my car running in the parking lot out in front of the building. We only noticed when my sister ran back out to her car for supplies 15 minutes later.
I was attracting emergencies, neediness, isolation, stress, desperation. What in the world.
It keeps going.
On the last day of January I planned to treat myself to a massage at the Ritz Carlton, using a gift card I had received for the holidays. We would be moving my mom into a new facility the following morning and I wanted to muster all the strength I could before the move. It would be the fourth time we moved her in two years.
I was so thrilled with the idea of 50 minutes of pure bliss that I practically floated onto the massage table. Then the fire alarm, complete with noise and light effects, went off. For a full ten minutes.
When I went to check out they told me my gift card had $0 on it.
By this time, I was wavering between laughing hysterically at this big joke the universe was playing on me and crawling into a dark corner and never coming out.
I really wanted to throw “attract” right into the trash and walk far, far away.
But I forced myself to pause and take a look at what else I attracted in January. Could I find a way to see beyond the trauma and the destruction it left in its wake, to the possibility that I attracted good things too?
To be honest, I really wasn’t interested in doing so. After that hellish month, I preferred to wallow for a bit. Maybe I could try another massage instead?
But I convinced myself to look beyond the hard things. And I uncovered some really astounding, beautiful facts.
Every, single time I got stuck with a mom-thing in January, someone stepped up to help me with the kids. Mostly, it was my husband. He took care of everything with the kids and at home. He never complained to me about it. In fact, just the opposite - he asked every day what he could do to help me. I realized how incredibly fortunate I was to have him in my corner. How much harder would things have been if I was a single mom?
When Curt couldn’t be there, my friends and neighbors showed up for us. They watched our kids and brought us food. They reassured my kids when they got off the bus and I wasn’t there like I had promised I would be.
One day I checked the mail and had received a handwritten note and stickers from a friend.
Another morning a friend dropped by with a gift card to my favorite coffee shop in town.
I attracted help and love from friends, but also from strangers. In the cafeteria at the hospital after a long day, the cashier gave me the kindest look and asked if I was there for a loved one. I told her my mom was sick and she said what a good daughter I was and that she wished the best for us. It was exactly what I needed to gather the courage to go back up to the room and face what came next.
I have long beleaguered the fact that I don’t have any grandparents who are able to help out in times of need. On both my side and my husband’s side we lost dads and had to become caregivers for our moms way before we were prepared to even contemplate those things.
While I don’t have grandparents, what I do have is a rich, supportive network of friends who I can lean on. I have attracted these people into my life.
So I decided to keep “attract” as my word for 2020. Out of chaos comes clarity. The ability to prioritize. The knowing of who the important people are in your life. Being present and finding joy in small moments.
I did get the flu in February, but hey, who’s keeping track?
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